10/2006
Date: Effective immediately
To: If it applies, apply; if not, let it fly
From: Your nephew, very possibly others too
Re: Unsettled issues
It’s amazing what thought, paper, pen and action can do to a person. One thing for sure is that it stats things moving forward, in my case its back to the future. As I began a new year, 2004, resolution to stop or at least decrease my bad drinking habits and drug use I soon realized that it was not going to be possible for a long period of time, if any.
You see, I am a 33 years old man that hand been holding back a little secret for over twenty years. This deadly secret is full of anger, resentment, remorse, hatred, and many other uncontrollable, irrational feelings. I’ve been using, abusing, and misusing alcohol and drugs for a very long time in order for me to escape those ugly feelings. Marijuana, cocaine, primo’s, sherm sticks, and speed gave all been a part of my life. Correctional institutions galore; Central and Los Padrinos Juvenile Halls, Sylmar, Afflerbaugh Baugh Camp, L.A. County Men’s Central Jail, Bezcailutz and Mira Loma Detention Centers, Pitches’ Honor Ranch(north, South, East, Max, Super Max), twin Towers, Chino Reception Center, and a few state prisons. Probation after probation, court appearances and fees, restitutions, tickets, fines, amount dues, bails, and a really messed up criminal and credit history were my lifestyle. Though I joined the Lennox 13 street gang when I was a little kid, this was something that I we never proud of. IN fact, it brought disgrace and embarrassment to my family.
Anyway, this little secret was that a close relative had traumatized me sexually, physically, mentally and emotionally. My aunt (yes, a woman) fucked up my innocent childhood and adult life. I was never able to talk to anyone about it, not even my own parents who were always wondering what the hell happened to their studious son. This fucking bitch used to give me Jack Daniels on the rocks, money, toys, and gifts and would take me to various places to shut me up be her aggressive authoritarian style is what I used to hate the most. Men, speak up if anyone has abused you in any way.
Now, DPO Michael Oden did something that Prop 36 counselors were not doing, that is, he wanted to know the truth behind my addictions. He really wanted to hear me in order t help me. I told him exactly how I felt about the rehab program, “coffee, donuts, and bullshit will only keep you sober for so long.” “Once an addict always an addict” is self –sabotage. A. A., N.A. and C.A. are good program but they impede self-sufficiency, self-control and most importantly an honest evaluation of your self-esteem.
Finally, ever since I bean telling Mr. Oden about my childhood abuse I’ve felt like a really big heavy burden has been taken off of my shoulders. And to let the truth be known, he was the first person I ever told about my situation. I feel better about myself, my family knows about my past, the secret and now my involvement in sexual trauma counseling and support group. I see a clearer, happier drug free future for my family and myself.
Thank you very much Mr. Oden,
-Anonymous Sexual assault survivor
